Dog Days of February aka Here Comes The Rain Again...

So, it's been interesting! Had quite a few friends wonder "Where the hell's Craig?". Been here, trying to fit my round life into a square hole, finding the humor, feeling the sadness, railing at the frustrations, and just shaking my head at it all. I'm tough, as you know, and have that ultra-annoying quality of appearing grateful for the lumps and the loves, seeing the lesson in the situation. But even I have my limits.

Fessing up, yeah, I know I can appear frightfully New Age, all crystals and idols and smiles and light. But there are times when I hear people say, "Blessings... I'm so grateful..." and I wanna sock them in the ultraviolet chakra. Sometimes things suck, there doesn't appear to be a reason for an illness, a hardship. It just happens. The universe is a series of random occurences from which we try to glean meaning in order to understand our lives. Isn't it possible that some, if not many, things simply defy explanation?

I was talking with a family member who said that they were being "comforted" by another relative around the early and tragic death of my mom. There was the implication that there must have been some action on my mom's part to cause her illness. Whathefuck? Is that serious? She was human, yes, but you would be hard pressed to find a more engaged, compassionate, giving, loving, selfless person. What twisting of God's word or the universe's plan would drive someone to come to this conclusion? Then I realize it's just this same attempt to find meaning in seemingly random tragedy.

So, I'm confused. Sometimes I see the pattern, other times I feel lost in the bumper car collisions of the spontaneousness of life.

Okay, that's deep enough for today. Just enough to worry those worried about me. Don't worry about me. I'm tough. I just question. Call it my existential tango.

So what's new... Fugee just came home from thje SPCA after a two day hospital stay. He had an attack of pancreatitis which caused 12 hours of explosive vomiting. Seems the pancreas releases too much amylase and lipase and the pancreas starts to digest itself. Horribly painful. Talk about feeling helpless. Fugee is such a sweet dog--to see him in pain just breaks my heart.

His situation seems to have stabilized, so here he is at home spending some bed time with Craig. My free dog has been really expensive this year--his $500 dollar eye surgery followed by $1,000 dog bite at Duboce fiasco, followed by the $1,500 pancreatitis debacle. I'll just throw it on the debt pile and hope that at some point, I might actually be able to make some headway on my debt.

Shaking my head, I still have some annoying positivity which lets me know this too will be okay.

I am actually okay. I just voice what I am feeling at any given moment--an uncomfortable reality for many. I'm just working through this dream trying to grasp meaning where I can and understand those random moments which seem to defy meaning.

On a side note, I'm really saddened by Anna Nicole Smith's passing. It has always struck me as odd at how hilarious people found her train wreck of a life. She was obviously a woman in a great deal of pain. Why is pain funny? If she'd had cancer, would we be elbowing one another in the ribs and saying, "Hilariosa!" Her drug problem was a terminal condition. She deserves some compassion, not ridicule.

Stepping off my soapbox, settling back to a night of TV, Chimay beer and my great friend, Fugee.

Peace-
Craig.