Sucess!

Hello My Friends, My Family, My Champions-

I will try to keep this concise, but with the multitude of emotions I’m feeling right now, that may be challenge.

What an extraordinary week.

I am so proud of the AIDS/LifeCycle staff for taking the very rough sketch of an event that we created in ALC1 and growing it into a healthy, unique, cost-conscious, cause focused event. It was NOT California AIDSRide 12 or whatever it would have been if Pallotta hadn’t imploded back in 2002. It was its own AIDS/LifeCycle event, one that saw 1,840 riders, about 400 roadies raising over 8 million dollars for AIDS & HIV services of the LA Gay & Lesbian Center and the San Francisco AIDS Foundation.

It was, as every previous ride for me, unique in its challenges, epiphanies, joys and sadnesses. This was very much a spiritual journey for me. I attached Tibetan prayer flags to my bike and, according to Tibetan belief, the prayer-flags are blown by the wind, carrying the blessing of the prayer printed on the cloth, so the wind becomes blessed. Wherever the wind goes, the beings that breathe the air are breathing in the blessings carried by the Wind Horse. I consider AIDS/LifeCycle 5 to be a 600- mile prayer.

I had quite a chance to reflect, as one does on these events. Might seem like a paradox that one can have mostly solitude on a 2,200 person event. But it is there, a living, breathing, aware meditation on living.

When I saw my dear friend Diane in Davenport, about 70 miles in to Day One, I said I probably didn’t need to ride again. I was wrong. I was tired after a year of ill health, depression, unemployment and no training for a pretty serious endurance event. And I was feeling very alone.

Upon arriving in Santa Cruz at about 4pm after leaving SF at 6:30 that morning, I started to fall in to my familiar rut of “Not good enough,” “Not fast enough,” “Should have been in earlier”, blah blah blah.

Epiphany #1. I had accomplished something extraordinary without being prepared for it. I trusted in myself and the event, and I again was reminded of the spectacular power of the mind and the will. I didn’t feel proud for the first time in these events, I felt satisfaction at a job well done.

There is a subtle shift in the thinking from “Look what I did!” to “Look what was done. Thank God.”

So much of my ego and self-esteem had been formed around AIDS ride successes. I wanted to remove the ego gratification and just enjoy the testament to love that these ride are. And it was a beautiful shift in focus.

Epiphany #2. I am a beautiful luminous person who for a lifetime has beaten himself down, to save others the trouble. What an ingrate I was to feel shame, regret, disdain toward myself. As I looked around at my beautiful, compassionate friends, I was reminded of the saying, “You can tell the character and quality of the person by the caliber of their friends.”

If I am to be judged by my friends and family, I am an amazing individual. Thank you so much for being the mirrors that helped me to learn this lesson. It’s all a learning process, and it takes all my being to not slip back into patterns of deflecting compliments with humor or avoidance.

Epiphany #3. I am loveable. After 44 years of feeling like Morrissey’s “I Know I’m Unlovable”, I said—ENOUGH. Face the unknown. Hiding the heart is NOT strength. My heart is opening fully for the first time ever, and I’m not afraid. I am very thankful. To quote from Wicked, “We are led to those who help to help us most to grow.”(Yeah I had a beautiful surprise of love on this event. It shook me to the core.)

Who needs therapy when they can discover all this in just seven days on a bike?

I’ll wrap this up.

We raised an amazing 10,680 dollars, people! Thank you so much for your compassion, patience, love & support. Even more abundance than I thought possible. YOU are what is right with our world.

If you’d like to hear me being interviewed, check out: http://aidslifecycle.typepad.com/alc5/2006/06/day_three_podca.html

I’m on iTunes—a podcast—how Y2K!

And guess what! My great pal, Robert, “El Vez” Lopez, surprised me in Ventura Day Six, and he even signed up for next year! Viva El Vez! Thank you, Robert. It means the world to me.

So here we are and I am in the traditional post-partum ride time window, and for the first time ever, I am not sad. In past events, I have always been reluctant to cut off my event bracelets as it symbolized an end to these intense, life affirming events, which I mourned.

Not this year. No mourning, only celebration and rebirth. I am changed.

I immediately removed my bracelets upon my return. No sorrow, just hope. I look at this ride as like the Tibetan sand mandala, a complex and beautiful healing piece of art.

Traditionally most sand mandalas take weeks to create and are destroyed shortly after their completion. This is done as a metaphor of the impermanence of life.

We have created our healing. AIDS/LifeCycle 5 has come and gone, its beautiful elements scattered back to their corners of the world.

I am so thankful for the time, for the growth, for each and every one of you.

Please consider joining me on AIDS/LifeCycle 6 next year. I will pay your registration fee. This is a sincere offer. Please consider it.

I once again quote the beautiful and poignant lyrics from Wicked:
“I'VE HEARD IT SAID THAT PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES
FOR A REASON BRINGING SOMETHING WE MUST LEARN
AND WE ARE LED TO THOSE WHO HELP US MOST TO GROW
IF WE LET THEM AND WE HELP THEM IN RETURN
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF I BELIEVE THAT'S TRUE
BUT I KNOW I'M WHO I AM TODAY BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...
LIKE A COMET PULLED FROM ORBIT AS IT PASSES A SUN
LIKE A STREAM THAT MEETS A BOULDER HALFWAY THROUGH THE WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I'VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD …
IT WELL MAY BE THAT WE WILL NEVER MEET AGAIN IN THIS LIFETIME
SO LET ME SAY BEFORE WE PART SO MUCH OF ME IS MADE OF WHAT I LEARNED FROM YOU
YOU'LL BE WITH ME LIKE A HANDPRINT ON MY HEART
AND NOW WHATEVER WAY OUR STORIES END
I KNOW YOU HAVE RE-WRITTEN MINE BY BEING MY FRIEND...
LIKE A SHIP BLOWN FROM ITS MOORING BY A WIND OFF THE SEA
LIKE A SEED DROPPED BY A SKYBIRD IN A DISTANT WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I'VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER? BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD...”

I love you.
Namaste
Craig