Quick & Simple.

Happy New Year, Friends and Family! And Old Year, too!

Found this picture of me with my parents on New Year's Eve 1966. I guess I really had to pee. Still do. How little changes.

2006 held lots of endings, beginnings, cross country moves, false starts, highs and lows, and a constant need for redefinition of what it means to be truly fluid in one's approach to life.

What am I thankful for? Every single bit.

AIDS/LifeCycle. My friends. The difficulties, the successes, the reconnections and the realizations when aspects of one's life have needed to change. My family and their unconditional support and love in a situation that would make many shake their heads in lack of understanding.

My health, my strength, my sense of humor, my ability to learn from my history, my ability to maintain hope and gratitude even in the most dire of circumstances.

The chance to work in New York. The latitude to decide to return to San Francisco. A wonderful job opportunity working at a cool place for great people with integrity and heart.

My dog, a sweet and gentle companion, happiest when he is just by my side, wherever that may be.

What do I wish for 2007?

Peace. Laughter. Good music. Learning and understanding. Sunny morning bike rides. Rotisserie chicken and fish burritos. Bills paid on time. The ability to save. Walks at the beach letting Fugee chase the gulls. Stability. A job that allows me to be me--and allows me the chance at a more stable lifestyle, working with and for people I respect.

Time with family. With friends. Simple, honest, present. A return to a more active lifestyle. More fresh air, less "settling".

That's about it.

And I wholeheartedly wish every success and love, moments of quiet and energy, heart and compassion, for you. You make the tapestry of my life rich beyond compare.

I'm heading cross country on the 3rd. Yahoooooooo, Budget trucks! Connecticut has been a strange and entirely unexpected adventure for 2006, and I cannot express how grateful I am to have been with family for four months, and to have reconnected with old friends and lost relatives. Just great.

Hey- if you'd like my email updates from the road, let me know. I will ONLY send them if you say you'd like to read them. If you'd like to just check in occasionally, that's cool too. Just check out http://hermesbrainbelch.blogspot.com for the latest minutiae and musings eddying through me noodle. (I won't be offended if you opt out. Email, while an inferior method of keeping in touch, is one way of maintaining the ties to those who matter to me.)

Thank you for being.

Peace/Namaste

Craig
______________________________________
craig goward hermes
“In different hours, a man represents each of several of his ancestors, as if there were seven or eight of us rolled up in each man’s skin,—seven or eight ancestors at least, and they constitute the variety of notes for that new piece of music which his life is.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

ho.ho ho!

Ho Ho Ho,

http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=a1830fdaf36524858e63ee8G06122412

Happy Holidays!

Craig n Fugee
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"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more"

~ Dr. Seuss

Pure Joy.

It's funny how the Christmas season makes it seem like it's been a thousand years since I last hugged my Mom. And at the same time, it was just yesterday. I still feel her presence around me to a very strong degree.

We were people cut from the same cloth--generally laughing, embracing new concepts and odd ideas, a little left of normal. Hey, she was one of the very first people to come up with the concept of aerobics classes for women, water aerobics, she took and taught belly dancing in the '70s in conservative Connecticut. She acted, taught music, studied myotherapy, took rock climbing though DEATHLY afraid of heights, was involved in numerous acts of charity, heart, compassion and friendship.

To me she was a loving, laughing, singing, shining example of what it means to be a luminous human being. Surviving multiple tragedies and always coming through the other side more grateful, more joyous, more loving.

I remember the profound joy she took in the holidays. Starting the day after Thanksgiving, she became giddy like a child, unwrapping precious ornaments and figures, each having a unique history that we enjoyed hearing each year. She also spent Christmas remembering her beloved Aunt Dottie, another free spirit guided by a love of life, family and song—and who was taken too young.

As Jane was putting out the Christmas elves that Mom & Dottie made the year I was born, she said, "These are kind of creepy." I could see where she'd say that. Without the history, they are just a bunch of 40+ year old felt scraps and detached heads--like there had been some horrible incident at Santa's holiday soirée. Perhaps a tragic baking accident or a serial Grinch.

But to me, when I see these sorry little dwarves, I hear her laugh, see her tear up at the thought of Aunt Dottie, smell chocolate log cookies baking in the oven, and hear Julie Andrews singing "Bells of Christmas."

I am so glad to see my brother sharing our genetic love of Christmas with his kids, telling the stories, making sure the lights are just right, as my niece, feigning annoyance, rolls her eyes and says "Dad just has to tell the stories about every ornament..." secretly loving the fact that he does.

When I found this picture today, in a box not opened for 20 years, I was transported. I remember the camera that took it, a Polaroid Swinger, was a Christmas staple.

Amongst the collection of paper scraps, faded pictures of forgotten moments, torn snapshots, the smell of mold and old chemicals, memories lay ready to trigger the heart.

I wish my Mom had lived to see her beautiful grandkids. She could have shared the same old dusty stories and ornaments, with a vibrant and heartfelt love, which made them sacred.

Mom, I miss you, but as it is Christmas, I hear your laugh, I feel you here.

Thank you.

Share.

We are so fortunate. What do I have to complain about? Please consider going to http://www.keepachildalive.org/donate.php and for just a dollar a day, keep a child alive. Share your love with a stranger a world away. We are all Family. One.
Thank you, Alicia and Bono for the poignant song, video, and passion to use your heart and position to make a difference.
It is our obligation.
Peace.

Why?

“We have come into this exquisite world to experience ever and ever more deeply our divine courage, freedom and light!”
~Hafiz of Persia

Been Down One Time, Been Down Two Times, Oooh Never Going Back Again

What a trip.

Four months has seen a dizzying collection of highs and lows, or recrossing bridges, of reality bitch-slaps, and lessons in remaining flexible.

It's been an intense trip down memory lane, stopping by to visit family, friends I haven't spent time with in 16 years, to take a brief peek at life in the Big City, to go to my hometown of 29 years, to test the waters of life outside the realm of comfort, predictability, or some might offer, common sense.

I was leaving the number 2 most expensive city in the country to try to make a foothold in the number 1 most expensive city. This was quite a leap of faith, but the one thing I was sure of was that I didn't know the outcome.

Three layoffs in basically six years in SF had put me roughly $30,000 in the hole. To be clear, I didn't squander money on ANYTHING. I didn't go out drinking, never bought clothes, didn't go to movies, shows, or a gym. My one extravagance was eating carry out food for many meals. Since the only readily accessible market was an overpriced Cala which had crap selection and high prices, I could easily justify 5 bucks for a burrito or 10 for a full chicken dinner. The ingredients alone would have cost me more than that.

Where'd the money go?

Credit card debt resulting from having to put my COBRA healthcare payments on a card. At $300+ a month, they add up. Add to that $100 dollars a month in co-pay for three scrips, $200 dollars in vitamins, added to around $1500 rent and utilities, well, there you have it. I could have just let the healthcare lapse and return to Ward 86 at SF General, but I would never be insurable again. I couldn't burn that bridge in good conscience.

On a side note, the macabre ghoul in me found an astonishing irony in naming the AIDS ward at General 86- as in washed up, done. I am nowhere near ready to be 86-ed.

Well, if I am to be completely disclosing, I did afford myself an extravagance or two. I drastically increased my collection of sacred objects--Ganeshas, Buddhas, crystals, Thoths, Jesuses, Hermeses, books, incense, tarot readings. At the time I was going through a very dark hour of the soul: a job that was disappointing, underpaid and emasculating, a period of depression and shadow exploration made more baffling by concurrent internet hacking and self-medicating substance abuse. I needed a tangible, visible reminder of the deeper truth, the beauty, the spirit and Path that guides our lives. These reminders kept me sane. Well, as sane as I have ever been...

Another nicety I afforded myself, was the insistence that my staff feel appreciated for their hard work. We were all working for next to nothing, I making significantly more than most. If a $6 box of tangerines could make people feel appreciated, I could justify it. Not that I had anything to spare, but I felt I should offer some of my comparative bounty to my coworkers. I'd do it again. They're worth it.

Funny, makes me think of my first Friendster testimonial from my roommate and good friend, Mike. He said, paraphrasing here, "Craig's the type of guy who'd give you the shirt off his back--even if he didn't have one." There is truth to that and I am trying to be better at self-preservation.

Back to my freeform narrative.

As layoff number three was hurtling toward me, I, with only about $2,000 in the bank and not sure how I would pay the next month's rent, decided to do something crazy. I wanted to prove to myself that I still had some of my inner fire and passion, and that I still had it in me to do an AIDS ride. There was no way I should have been able to do this. I was in awful shape, exhausted, undernourished, depressed. I thought, "Okay, these things I know. But I also know, as old Nicksie would say, 'And I am stronger than you know'; I had the fortitude to push on, past exhaustion, sadness, loss of hope. And my body, while muttering "What the FUCK are you doing to us?", took me down almost 600 miles of California roadway, over mountains, past historic hurdles of shyness and avoidance, into a new chapter of my life. Along a roadside of surf, missions, artichokes and cilantro, I found a Craig who would entertain the thought that he just might be lovable. My path collided with a mirror who was unconditionally loving, funny, troubled and working it out. This event changed my thinking.

When it became clear that I would not be finding a job in SF with enough time for me to meet my financial commitments, I rethought an offer from family and friends to give New York a shot. Reticent in the past to do this, I knew it would be a challenge to meet a social circle or to find a job at a level that I could afford to live on. These challenges were still there, but this time there was also the mirror from the ride. I needed to see what was there in this individual, to see why we'd met.

I know a lot of my friends would get all, "OOOOOH, Craig's in lovvvvvvve. He's moving because he's in lovvvvvvvve." This is a sort of helpless situation as the more one denies it, the more "Me thinks he doth protest too much" rears its ugly head.

I feel I am being honest when I say the mirror was not the reason for the move--it was a nice perk, and a chance to squelch the 'What if...'

If I had stayed in SF another month or two instead of moving without finding a job, I would have had to move back to CT anyway to avail my brother and his family of their beautiful offer to live in their home as an active part of their family.

By moving earlier, I was moving from a position of power, as opposed to moving according to circumstance and necessity. And, hell, I would get to learn if there was anything to Mirror Man. I'm always up for a good learning, not one to shy away from a hard lesson.

I arrived in Ridgefield, CT a beautiful Revolutionary War era colonial town, full of Frosty WASPys driving SUVs and residing in 10,000 square foot homes. Where deer and fox trot across your yard on a daily basis. Where multicultural diversity means Europeans with blond OR brown hair. Where pedigree, salary and ideology amongst the majority bear striking similarities. I think I did spy one East Indian family. Must have been an anomaly to keep the census statisticians on their toes.

I don't mean to sound down on CT. I LOVE Connecticut. It is my roots. My New England roots go back 14 generations. I lived here 29 years.

It's gorgeous here, the people are genuinely kind, I love the seasons. It's just not my world anymore. This was glaringly evident when I went passed my old home. It looked abandoned, fallen, as if it has stopped being a place of life after my parents were gone.

Living in rural CT in a town without public transportation, it was a largely isolating experience. This in NO WAY negates how grateful I am to be here with my unconditionally loving family, who have been supportive in every way.

After one of my recent blogs, a friend from CT took umbrage at what they thought was my being dismissive or looking down on CT. Absolutely not the case. If I were in a relationship, or had friends I could get to, or was making $200,000, I could be quite happy.

Hell, Harvey Fierstein lives here. When telling him I was feeling like Daffyd from Little Britain, he replied, "Honey, Ridgefield is full of queers..." Other than the one Saturday night I went to Stop and Shop and saw suspiciously well groomed men, and tanned, muscled women with frosted mullets, I don't think I ever saw any of the rainbow brigade.

To sum up CT, I have LOVED reconnecting with my niece, nephew, getting to really know my sister-in-law, spending time with the bro, letting Fugee run in a forest full of turkeys, fox and deer.

I know I have caused them concern and stress, particularly during the period where I was realizing I couldn’t stay in the job in NY, and it was exhausting trying to make them understand what it means to be me. "Just suck it up" in the realm of HIV could be a significant liability to my health. I am healthy, but my appearance can make the reality of living with a chronic condition which could turn terminal seem remote. It's not.

As it became clear that the job description of my New York nonprofit was not quite in line with expectation, coupled with my inability to find housing, I couldn't justify being set up for failure, having to work back-to-back 13 hour days, paying $450 a month for a train ticket, and significantly overstaying my welcome at my family's. They never made me feel so, but I know they wanted their lives back.

When it was at it bleakest and I couldn't see options, I was as depressed as I have been since finding out I was positive or when my parents were dying. I was unraveling and felt trapped. I reached out to friends for advice and you know, it was merely voicing my gut instinct. I've been good in marketing because I have a good gut instinct. And I am learning not to second-guess it. When life provides a different outcome than anticipated, roll with the punches and maintain the humor. I have always had an inner voice saying, “Craig, do NOT recross bridges. Find your authentic Path and follow it. Others may not make sense of it, but you will go where you must.”

One friend was saying to just be in the Now. I said if Eckhart Tolle had been visiting Ridgefield, I would have made it a point to punch him hard, right in the Now. When depressed or hopeless, the Now is no comfort. Sorry, Eck. I have since regained the sense of humor, as inscrutable as it may be for most.

As I affirmed my commitment to release attachment to expectation, I was continually reminded of a favorite quote from my friend Danger Angel. "How do you make God laugh? Tell her your plans."

I felt like I had been fighting the flow for four months. I was trying to dig my heals into the riverbed of a swift running current. My destiny was to keep moving.

My gut told me to return to San Francisco. To liberalism, and public transportation and friends and burritos. To bike rides through the Headlands, and dog parks, and clear bright skies.

To stay in New York would have required a fire in the belly I didn't have. It would have required a seriously diminished quality of life for a significant amount of time. I would have to have been not strong, but inflexible in my decision and mindset. For me, this would be a recipe for disaster.

Life was challenging my assumptions, requiring me to be fluid. To quote Lao Tzu, "Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong." I had to regain the Flow.

It's funny how your state of mind can filter how you see the world. One day as I was bustling through Grand Central to get to my 6:15 train, all I saw in every direction was haggard, exhausted, angry looking folks hurrying from point A to point B. It bummed me out, thinking "Wow, there's gotta be more than working to afford your Fendi bag..."

The next day, my sense of humor returned, and I saw the absurdity in the situation. It's not nearly as serious as we make it out to be. Important, yes, but not always serious. God has a sense of humor. Just look around.

So I return to SF to a job, which sounds like a new adventure, an arena I haven't ventured into yet. I look forward to learning, having consistency, stability and my circle of friends.

If I had it to do all over would I do it differently? Absolutely not. Like I said, I am releasing my attachment to expected outcome and will continue to sign up for the advanced level classes/life lessons.

I know some of my overly personal relatings concern some of you, others think, "Who Cares?" But I also know that my words, my attempts at being brutally self-reflective, have touched some of you. These humble words are offered for you, a recap of Craig 101.

I end with a quote from one of my favorite books, Hesse's Siddhartha:
"The many-voiced song of the river echoed softly. Siddhartha looked into the river and saw many pictures in the flowing water. The river's voice was sorrowful. It sang with yearning and sadness, flowing towards its goal...Siddhartha...was now listening intently...to this song of a thousand voices...then the great song of a thousand voices consisted of one word: Om -- perfection...
From that hour Siddhartha ceased to fight against his destiny."

The Dance, the Song, the Flow, the Lessons. Perfection.

Release, let go and grasp. Paradox.

Happy for the highs, the lows, the in-betweens.

Thank you, Life, and all the fantastic players in this dream we call reality.

A Quick Hello From Frozen CT!

Happy Early Holiday Season!

Just got in from a 5 mile walk with the pooches--it's COLD today. It was fun watching Fugee try to drink from the attached water bowl.

Just a quick head's up to keep you apprised of my boomerang life. I've been offered a job managing the Metro Hotel http://www.metrohotelsf.com in San Francisco, on Divisadero near Haight Street. The job was too good to turn down--owned by wonderful friends, funky, a cross between Lonely Planet and Tales of the City 2006. I'm looking forward to this new adventure, and heck, my underwear, furniture and dog would just LOVE another cross-country New Year drive--this time perhaps with SNOW!! Tentative leave date is Jan 1st--a beautiful way to start the year.

If you'd like to find out the full backstory as to my time in CT and the steps up to my current decision and life-direction, check out my blog http://hermesbrainbelch.blogspot.com sometime later today or tomorrow. See, the holidays REALLY are about mercy--I saved you the inbox clutter of having to read an email you may or may not care about! I'm letting you pull the information as opposed to pushing it at you--very Web 2.0--non?

I'm going to share a quote which really rings true with me. I'm sure some of you think, "Why the heck does Craig always wax philosophic and seem so ready to dole out advice when his life is more shambles than most?"

Here's the quote, from Wei Wu Wei: "...give any information you have garnered to a fellow traveler along the Way. Why? Because the same information would have helped the person who compiled it if it had been given to him, and that is why he compiled it --- and that is why it should be offered to others along the Way."

See? Not only is Christmas about mercy, it's about sharing.

Thanks for sharing my life.

Peace.
Craig
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craig hermes
"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more"
~ Dr. Seuss

Lore. Knowledge. Shared Divinity, A Gift Most Precious.

"...give any information you have garnered to a fellow traveler along the Way. Why? Because the same information would have helped the person who compiled it if it had been given to him, and that is why he compiled it --- and that is why it should be offered to others along the Way."

~An interpretation from the works of WEI WU WEI

What if...?

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more"

~ Dr. Seuss

A World Without AIDS. WORLD AIDS DAY 2006.

Here we are 25 years later, the pandemic continues. In fact, AIDS has gone on to become the number three cause of death worldwide.

I ask you to take a moment to think of those gone from the disease. For those continuing to live with the virus. For the countless orphans in Africa, Asia, here in America, who will never know their parents.

We are extremely blessed in this country. We all have legitimate gripes and annoyances, but for the most part, we are bathed in an embarrassment of riches compared to the majority of our fellow men & women.

I ask that you follow this link to light a candle. For each click, Bristol-Myers Squibb will donate a dollar to the National AIDS Fund. There is no form to fill out, no email to input, just a click. And from that, grows hope.

https://www.lighttounite.org/

Thank you, Bristol-Myers Squibb, and thank you, my friends and family, for doing what you can to ease the pain and suffering caused by the pandemic. Just a click away.

Namaste/Peace

Craig

Hey- why not forward it to your friends as well? We are powerful beyond measure in numbers.

The Birds of Rhiannon to Sing Away Your Pain.

"Rhiannon was a queen in a world far above us called the bright world, where all the colors were brighter, and everyone had a special sort of glow around them. It was a beautiful world, and she loved her world, but she fell in love with a mortal king from OUR world...and she left her world to come to ours to be with him. Rhiannon had three birds, one white, one emerald green, and one golden. It is said that in time of war, or strife, or pain, that her song can be heard.

"And down the glorious pathway, came the three singing birds, straight into the middle of the trouble and hardship ..." but that when you heard her song, your eyes would softly close and you would slip away. When you awoke the trouble would be gone, the sky would be the most wondrous blue, and far in the back of your mind you would hear that little song,, like a delicate little music box. If you were lucky, you might even see the three beautiful birds slowly flying away from you, and if you were very very lucky, you might even see Rhiannon .... slowly turning around to you to say, everything is fine,- She is smiling, and you see her disappear into the fine white clouds.

It is said that the legend is true...so I send you the energy from my golden cross and the three singing birds of Rhiannon to comfort you and to keep you safe. .." ~Stevie Nicks, in a letter to the Gulf War Troops, Stars & Stripes, 1991
************************************ . . . ********************************* . . . *****************************************
Funny, how I'm a chaos magnet. I've always held that I'm not a drama queen--maybe my perception of my Self is way off. Striving for equanimity...
just when it seems really bleak and unfocused, you look out at a color and flash, with laser sharpness, a cardinal, a reminder that the beauty is always there...

how poetic! I just typed that with a peacock quill.

Within the Gaze of The Gemini, The Path, Retrograde.

The Dark Twin stands alone in the crowd, wondering when the logic will appear.

Words Beyond Wisdom from St. Homer to the Springfieldians.

"Trying is the first step towards failure." ~Homer Simpson

Let us pray.

Amen.

Saddest. Thing. Ever.

My poor pooch, Queen Elizabeth. Fugee has developed a cyst on his eye which will require surgery. Hey, at least nothing is going well!
Think happy thoughts for the boy in the lampshade.
He doesn't deserve to be in pain like this...

Baba Wawa?!! No, Meher Baba, silly!

"Love is essentially self-communicative; those who do not have it catch it from those who have it. Those who receive love from others cannot be its recipients without giving a response which, in itself, is the nature of love. True love is unconquerable and irresistible. It goes on gathering power and spreading itself until eventually it transforms everyone it touches. Humanity will attain to a new mode of being and life through the free and unhampered interplay of pure love from heart to heart. When it is recognised that there are no claims greater than the claims of the universal divine life which, without exception, includes everyone and everything, love will not only establish peace, harmony and happiness in social, national and international spheres, but it will shine in its own purity and beauty. Divine love is unassailable to the onslaughts of duality and is an expression of divinity itself. It is through divine love that the New Humanity will tune in with the divine plan. Divine love will not only introduce imperishable sweetness and infinite bliss into personal life, but it will also make possible an era of New Humanity. Through divine love the New Humanity will learn the art of co-operative and harmonious life; it will free itself from the tyranny of dead forms and release the creative life of spiritual wisdom; it will shed all illusions and get established in the Truth; it will enjoy peace and abiding happiness; it will be initiated in the life of Eternity." ~Avatar Meher Baba
Jai Baba!

Too Rich. Too Rich…

Too Rich. Too Rich…
On my way home from the California Vipassana Center where I spent the past 11 days meditating, I was trying to think of clever headlines for this email. So many ways:
1.) How To Drive A Gemini Crazy? Vipassana.
2.) Get To Know Your Nozetrilzzzzz.*(See asterisk below)
3.) The Truth Lies Right Under Your Nose.
4.) How To Spend 110 Hours on a 22" x 22" cushion.
5.) Just Don't Do Something, Sit There.
* Goenka fans are laughing and poking themselves in the ribs saying, "It's funny because it's true. It's funny AND true."
Anyway. after completing the course, I have to say that it was probably the most profound experience of my life. And remember this, that's including Kathy Lee Gifford's Today Show performance. Wow.
Each day began at 4:00 AM. At 4:30, we sat for two hours. From 6:30 til 8:00, we had breakfast and small break for bathing, nap, etc. From 8 til 9 AM, group sitting/lesson, from 11 AM til 1 PM dinner(yes, dinner) and question answer period session with teacher. From 1 until 2:30, meditation, from 2:30 til 3:30 group sitting/meditation; from 3:30 til 5 PM, meditation. From 5 to 6, tea break, from 6 til 7, group sitting and lesson; 7 til 8:15, dhamma (universal law) talks, and from 8:15 til 9 PM, meditation. And they tricked me! I had to be vegan, AND silent! And dinner at 11 AM? "Here's your sesame seed and a thimble of water. See you tomorrow!!" I couldn't even complain about it. Imagine my agony. Oh, you also couldn't make eye contact with any of the over 100 participants.
Imagine the agony of sitting in one spot and NOT MOVING positions for 11 hours a day. The first day, all 11 hours, was spent feeling your breath coming in and out of your nostrils. Sounds easy. Your mind will NOT let you. It's amazing how many commercials, crappy songs you don't even like, inane memories, profound ideas occur constantly. Like about ten per second. It's really hard to listen to the constant chatter of one's mind. It really proves the point that we have lost the ability to feel sensations in our body. Through busyness, worry, memory, speculation, analgesics, alcohol, and drugs, we've numbed ourselves. To start having to listen to what your minds goes through constantly, it's pretty agonizing. To try and control it, even harder.
The week pretty much progressed like that, as people got deeper and deeper into their heads and bodies. People would burst out crying, remember abuses that were repressed, people that they had wronged, begin to understand their behavior patterns.
The thing that was so cool about it is that it is no mumbo-jumbo, it's just pure science. It's not dogmatic or sectarian. It's merely how the Buddha came to understand how the mind and universe functions. And he must have been on to something, as he was describing sub-atomic particles arising and falling 2,500 years before the electron microscope.
By day six, I was starting to have semi-transcendental experiences-weird colors, patterns, sounds. Had to learn to shut them off too. (To think of all the money one could have saved on acid, ecstasy and mushrooms...)
By day seven, I was feeling sensations all over my body. Internally. Externally. Vibrational. I could actually taste electricity moving over my tongue. Like when you're a kid and you touch your tongue to a six volt battery to see if it still has juice? Or when you're older and touch your right eyeball & left nipple to your car battery to see if it does? Okay, maybe I was the only one to ever do that.
And why do they ask you to do this? To show you that nothing is permanent. Nothing pleasant or unpleasant. If one starts just observing sensations on the body and not reacting to them, they will learn to train their minds to react like this in life.
So Buddha was no god, just a very early Stephen Hawkings or Einstein. I think that so many enlightened people have come out of the east because they have understood how the function of mind and matter and the function of natural law and the universe are in conjunction. When travelling in India, I learned that it was common knowledge or belief that Jesus spent nearly 15 years in Kashmir and India & Persia studying Buddhist philosophy. And it shows in His teachings.
What did I learn from the course? That I am responsible for my own misery and conversely, happiness. And I also know for a fact that my unhappiness was caused by turning down or actually turning off my feelings when my parents got sick. If I had allowed myself to feel the depths of my hurt, I thought I would have gone crazy. I never lost compassion for others, I just lost the ability to feel for myself.
I experienced real peace for the first time in my whole life. And I felt like the Grinch at the end of the course whose "heart had grown three sizes too big that day."
So, really, really profound.
I know this is a little deep, but a couple of people got the impression that my Christmas email was sorta a downer. No no no! I am so glad for my self discovery, at the risk of friends, family, strangers thinking I'm nuts. And I heard from about twelve people that I'd traveled with saying that they too had had significant depression readjusting to western society. So much of what we value is bunk. And you learn this in the East. It was and is vital. Career never was. Just a means to pay rent, as I would never define myself by my work.
So fret not, I am happy, energized, at peace and so grateful that I was able to do the course that has deeply changed my life. I especially thank David my pal for taking care of my very high maintenance pooch yet once again, so that I might be able to realize what I have longed to know for so long. And in turn, given me a longer fuller life. I don't say this lightly. Thank you.
So have a great holiday season. May the next year be one of peace and harmony for you.
Smooch.
Craig
Check out www.dhamma.org if you want to see where I went. I highly recommend this difficult, agonizing and fantastical experience. Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, - anybody at all can benefit. It's free and it's in a city near you...
~originally written january 2001

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!! Balh blah blab blah!!

A few choruses of ole Handel's Messiah!

A bit grandiose? Ehh, maybe. Perhaps we should whistle Dixie instead?

Why so cheery? You didn't ask?

I got a job! At a place I really believe in. I admire the mission and I like the two co-directors enormously. It's a start-up and I'm their first full time hire.

Starting tomorrow, I will be the National Events Manager for a new non-profit called Games for Change http://www.gamesforchange.org. Their mission is to "provide support, visibility and shared resources to organizations and individuals using digital games for social change. This is the primary community of practice for those interested in making digital games about the most pressing issues of our day, from poverty to race and the environment. We are the social change/social issues branch of the Serious Games Initiative."

This is right up my alley and was behind my setting up the outreach tour of Lollapalooza for Wild Aid, and the Rock The Vote event at Virgin. Youth is far more apathetic than they've ever been. By utilizing gaming as a vehicle for social change, it will increase visibility for the social causes of our day.

The job will be in Union Square, a great NY neighborhood--and home to a Virgin Megastore! Funny how Virgin follows me around.

One part of the job hunting process which I'm very grateful for was the chance to reconnect with some of my former coworkers/references. I owe this job to their sterling recommendations and I am most grateful. Thank you Tom, Sabrina, John V, Jeff and Christos.

Next on the agenda--find an apartment. The three hour commute each day will be a short-term situation, I hope (and trust.)

Today in Connecticut- Gorgeous. Fire orange and yellow maples, bright yellow sun, 50 degrees. Took Fugee for a walk yesterday in a forest preserve--saw two deer and he flushed 14 huge wild turkeys. Weimaraner heaven. It sounded like angry mob day in Kabul with all the high pitched turkey ululating.

Well, just a quick check in. Hope the rest of your weekend is great.

Peace
Craig
_________________________________________________________
craig hermes
"I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together." - The Beatles

Rumi bitch-slapped me today...

...reached across the ages, >thwack<.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

Persian Tapestry

We mustn't blanketly demonize peoples--that is small mind thinking. Iran is an amazing culture of art, wisdom, philosophy, realization.

Check out some surprisingly vivid and timely reflections from Hafiz, born circa 1325 Persia, modern day Iran. Doesn't seem like it was written 800 years ago.

"Come to my house late at night -
Do not be shy.
Hafiz will be barefoot and dancing

I will be
In such a grand and generous mood!

Come to my door at any hour,
Even if your eyes
Are frightened by my light.
My heart and arms are open
And need no rest -
They will always welcome you.

Come in my dear,
From the harsh world
That has rained elements of stone
Upon your tender face.

Every soul
Should receive a toast from us
For bravery!

Bring all the bottles of wine you own
To this divine table - the earth
We share.

If your cellar is empty,
This whole Universe
Could drink forever
From mine!

Let's dine tonite with exquisite music.
I might even hire angels
To play - just for you.

Look!
Hidden beneath your feet
Is a Luminous Stage
Where we are meant to rehearse
Our Eternal Dance!

And what price is the price
of my Divine Instruction?
What could I ask of you?

All I could ever want
Is that
You have the priceless company
of Someone
Who can Kiss God,

That you have the priceless gift
Of becoming a servant to the Friend!

Come to my window, dear world -
Why ever be shy?

Look inside my playful Verse,
For Hafiz is Barefoot and Dancing
And in such a Grand and Generous -
In such a Fantastic Mood."

“We have come into this exquisite world to experience ever and ever more deeply our divine courage, freedom and light!”

“One regret dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough.”

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.”

“Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets trying to find you.”

Lucy Loves I.

"I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line." ~Lucille Ball

From Amherst, Amrita.

"When experience is viewed in a certain way, it presents nothing but doorways into the domain of the soul." ~Jon Kabat-Zinn, Center for Mindfulness, UMASS School of Medicine

Where Were You? Never Forget.

I remember feeling exhausted and completed, full of wild blueberry pie, Maine lobster, and hope. I laughed as I passed a Wegman photo in the Portland airport—clicked a picture of it. The airport was full of Canada/US AIDS Vaccine riders and crew in black victory t-shirts.

I waited for my United flight to Dulles to take me back to San Francisco. I drank water trying to rehydrate after finishing something I thought impossible—completing all three AIDS vaccine rides, riding 1,600 miles in six weeks, raising almost $20,000 to fight an unthinkable disease changing our world, devastating a continent.

I was returning to uncertainty in San Francisco. While doing the Alaskan AIDS Vaccine three weeks earlier, I had lost my apartment due to a dishonest roommate taking my rent and not paying our landlords, who were friends. So I was returning to couch surfing on my friend Phoebe’s couch, a very generous offer considering I came as a package with my wonderful, co-dependent 90-pound Weimaraner.

I had a three-hour layover in Dulles before my SFO flight headed west. I talked and laughed with a woman named Holly who had also completed the ride. We talked about the disorienting, post-partum type effect of leaving a PTW event. Spending seven days with spectacular, kind, generous, compassionate people doing something hard, an event that created hope, changed the world.

Not only had I just gone through that experience three times in a month and a half, I was returning to no apartment, and the very real possibility that I would be being laid off from Pallotta TeamWorks as the company’s return of monies to beneficiary and integrity went south.

But even all those concerns couldn’t really ruffle my feel-good, post-event euphoria. I, who only five years earlier, never thought I would complete my first AIDS ride and raise the required $2,300, had just ridden 3 times as far as my longest ride, raising almost 10 times as much money. I had challenged my mental model of who I was and was truly beginning to understand the awesome and limitless potential of the human spirit.

I got into San Francisco around 11 pm that evening, picked up my dog, and headed to Phoebe’s to crash.
“Oh my God! It’s fucking crazy! Turn on the TV!” Michelle, Phoebe’s roommate, burst into the apartment and barked at us as Phoebe and I were chatting and waking up.

“The World Trade Center—gone! Pentagon- bombed! People jumping! It’s like we’re at war.”

For the next hours, days, weeks, we relived the horror of watching people jump, planes crash, the towers fall. America lost its innocence that day, the world changed forever.

For that next week, I had the task at work of tracking over 200 vaccine riders coming back to California, combing flight lists and internet sites for unaccounted participants.

As this huge catastrophic event unfolded, it could only be related to in Hollywood-like terms. “It was like ‘Independence Day’.” It was too unreal to be real.

But it was real.

As the days went on, friends started to know people who’d died. It got very close. I’d flown out of the two airports on the same airlines/same routes, just 8 hours ahead of the hijackers. The press image of Mohammed Atta in Portland airport security was just twelve hours after I’d gone through the same gates. It wasn’t my time. I flew to Dulles, 12 hours ahead of the Pentagon attack. Again, just ahead of history.

It did quickly become too close. My brother lost his best man, Dan, a great guy with a quick sense of humor who I’d seen at the Cape a few years earlier when his family vacationed with my brother and his family. He worked on floor 90-something of the one of the Towers. Two great kids—one five, the other three, were left without a father.

Amidst the unfathomable and senseless horror, beauty emerged. The world mourned. People pulled together. There was a tangible sense of oneness, how everyone had been affected. Compassion was the common feeling.

However the world has devolved since that time, that sense of compassion and unity must not be lost. We, as a people, are far more similar than we are different. This is to be celebrated, as are differences, as we are equally valid manifestations of God’s creative imaginings.

Celebrate our diversity. Embrace our Oneness. Open our minds and open our hearts. This is our charge. Cherish your friends and family and let them know. Grow to include everyone within this expansion of heart. It’s the calling to live from a place of love.

“Wherever I look, I see men quarrelling in the name of religion — Hindus, 
Mohammendans, Brahmos, Vaishnavas, and the rest. But they never reflect that He who is called Krishna is also called Siva, and bears the name of the Primal Energy, Jesus, and Allah as well — the same Rama with a thousand names. A lake has several ghats. At one the Hindus take water in pitchers and call it ‘jal’; at another the Mussalmans take water in leather bags and call it ‘pani’. At a third the Christians call it ‘water’. Can we imagine that it is not ‘jal’, but only ‘pani’ or ‘water’? How ridiculous! The substance is One under different names, and everyone is seeking the same substance; only climate, temperament, and name create differences. Let each man follow his own path. If he sincerely and ardently wishes to know God, peace be unto him! He will surely realize Him.” ~Sri Ramakrishna

“When the heart becomes empty, the mimbar of the Divine Oneness is placed therein and the sultan of gnosis sits upon it.” ~Ibn Ata'Allah
The Key To Salvation: A Sufi Manual of Invocation

“Does one scent appeal more than another? Do you prefer this flavor, or that feeling? Is your practice sacred and your work profane? Then your mind is separated: from itself, from oneness, from the Tao.” ~Lao Tzu

“We cannot be truly Christian people so long as we flaunt the central teachings of Jesus: brotherly love and the Golden Rule.” ~Martin Luther King Jr

“Love is all you need.” ~the Beatles


Namaste/Peace/Love/Laughter
Craig

Oh. the Horo!

"You are the only person who is keeping you from doing what you want to do."

Gemini horoscope for today, September 9th.

Simple. Profound. Truth.

"You are the only person who is keeping you from doing what you want to do."

Hear it.

Just Like Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Soap sez...

"Wherever I look, I see men quarrelling in the name of religion --- Hindus, Mohammendans, Brahmos, Vaishnavas, and the rest. But they never reflect that He who is called Krishna is also called Siva, and bears the name of the Primal Energy, Jesus, and Allah as well --- the same Rama with a thousand names. A lake has several ghats. At one the Hindus take water in pitchers and call it 'jal'; at another the Mussalmans take water in leather bags and call it 'pani'. At a third the Christians call it 'water'. Can we imagine that it is not 'jal', but only 'pani' or 'water'? How ridiculous! The substance is One under different names, and everyone is seeking the same substance; only climate, temperament, and name create differences. Let each man follow his own path. If he sincerely and ardently wishes to know God, peace be unto him! He will surely realize Him." ~Sri Ramakrishna

Hard Is Good.

Hard is Good.

Today, 6:26 PM
Some of life's most valuable and beautiful lessons come in very unattractive packages. HIV and early parental death were enormously painful, and the greatest catalysts for my spiritual and personal growth.

Have your darkest hours been transformative? Received as "gifts" as viewed by Rumi?

Here is a quote I like, followed by something I puzzled out.

Namaste/Peace

Craig
Hermes Alchemist

"ADVERSITY CAN DISTRESS US OR BLESS US The way we use adversity is strictly our own choice, For in God's Hands adversity can make the heart rejoice - For everything God sends to us, no matter in what form, Is sent with plan and purpose for by the fierceness of a storm The atmosphere is changed and cleared and the earth is washed and clean And the "high winds of adversity" can make restless souls serene - And while it's very difficult for mankind to understand God's intentions and His purpose and the workings of His Hand, If we observe the miracles that happen every day We cannot help but be convinced that in His wondrous way God makes what seemed unbearable and painful and distressing, Easily acceptable when we view it as a blessing." ~Helen Steiner Rice

"Careful reflection of the barnacles and lead in one's life, when buffed through sorrow, joy and experience, reveal the nacre and gold that was always there. This is life as Alchemy." ~Hermes Alchemist

A Subtle Alchemy.

A Subtle alchemy takes place
when God's love
arises in your heart.
It brings about
the sweetest changes in your life;
it creates a beautiful change
within yourself.

As tender as this love may be,
it is full of God's power.
It strengthens the heart,
it purifies the mind.
This love forifies your faith in God.

~Swami Chidvilasanada, the MAGIC of the HEART, Reflections on Divine Love

shift happens.

explore. expand. be.

http://www.global-mindshift.org

My Third Eye Goes Pop!

So, after my last email, I went to bed. What followed was an extremely intense night of dreaming and puzzling out what the next move on my vague path should be. It was one of those nights where you have hinted recollection of tossing & turning and when you do wake up, you feel a sinking feeling in your gut, you’re exhausted.

The next morning when I woke up, I found my neck pendant, an ametrine crystal, had broken in half.

Huh.

I'm not a sonambulist, and I am pretty sure I have corrected Fugee’s habit of arc welding in his sleep. So here I am with a shattered crystal, a crystal that is as strong as quartz. You can’t break it with a hammer, it scratches glass.

So, what is ametrine? It’s a clear golden purple colored gemstone where amethyst meets citrine and purportedly holds properties that sooth and calm emotions, and help one stay rational under pressure.

Pressure, me?

Amethyst (purple) helps you visualize and the Citrine (gold) helps to manifest your vision into the physical. It is the crystal of the 3rd eye and solar plexus.

Yeah, I’d been under stress as transition settled in for a stay, but who hasn’t had similar periods? What caused the break? I wasn’t wearing anything hard that I could have hit it on. I wondered if it was my body heat somehow affecting a flaw in the crystal.

Now I knew that a broken mala held great meaning. Could this mean something after such an intense night of dreamtime problem solving? As you know, I am a man who can find meaning in the pealing of a banana. I decided to reach out.

I emailed the folks at Crystal Way, where I bought the crystal. I didn’t want replacement, I wanted their take on what it might mean. Here is their response:
-----Original Message-----
Hi Craig,

I'm not sure that the breaking of the ametrine has a meaning other than what you choose to give it.

Since ametrine is a stone that contains properties of higher psychic awareness and spiritual enlightenment, perhaps your energies were vibrating rather high at some point and the ametrine couldn't take on any more energy, causing it to crack, especially if you wore it in your sleep, when we tend to be more open to our spiritual lessons. You might consider removing it off before retiring for the night!
Best wishes,

Gina Rabbin
Crystal Way
2335 Market Street
San Francisco, CA 94114
www.crystalway.com

Double plus huh.

I am delighted to report the EXTRAORDINARY customer service of Crystal Way, as they are replacing it for free! I contacted them for insight, not refund or replacement, and they far exceeded my expectations. Great karma on them! And I highly recommend you visit them in person or online. Tell ‘em Hermes sent you.

So what am I to gather from this? In my creepy New Age mindset, I find auspiciousness, released past karma, a potential come to fruit. High auspiciousness, indeed!

In looking at life, it’s what you make it. Is something a heartache or a growth opportunity? A sadness or a chance to grow even more beautiful? Stress-inducing uncertainty or unlimited, wondrous potential?

I choose it as a wonderful omen, a tangible sign of a wonderful unfolding life.

Sign me,

Hermes Alchemist
Banana Pealing Meaning Finder

my best friend.

You're Invited!

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.


~ Rumi ~


(The Essential Rumi, versions by Coleman Barks)

take a trip and don 't leave your seat.

http://webzone.k3.mah.se/kit01051/flashback.html

aya meets cyber meets hoffman meets animation.

Out Of The Mouths Of Maudes

Maude: "Murdered?! Oh no, I've just been in the country for a week."

Bart: [to Flanders] "But I distinctly heard you say that Maude was with God."

Maude: "Oh, that's right. I was at Bible Camp. I was learning how to be more judgemental."


Thus Spake Groening. Amen.

We Should Talk about This Problem .

"There is a beautiful creature
Living in a hole you have dug.

So at night
I set fruit and grains
And little pots of wine and milk
Beside your soft earthen Mounds

And I often sing.

But still, my dear,
You do not come out.

I have fallen in love with Someone
Who hides inside you.

We should talk about this problem--

Otherwise,
I will never leave you alone."
~Hafiz

A Connecticut Yankee in, Well, Connecticut.

“I’m gonna jump!!”

Inching along the edge of a worn out life, I close my eyes and try to make sense of my next move.

“Jump!! Jump!!! Jump!!!”

Carolyn Myss, Tony Robbins and a Nike® shoe rep chant in unison. Pema Chodron executes a flawless Flying C and lands a perfect Chinese split, her nun pompoms fluttering. Quite a feat in maroon robes.

“Do it NOW!!” Eckhart Tolle lilts in his Stephen Hawkings lullaby voice.

“All you got to do is jump over the moon!”

Maureen lows and moos and disappears in a puff of smoke as she’s paid her Rent, and is a committed Wicked witch now.

So I jumped. Into…

Complete groundlessness.

As self-doubt and second-guessing breathe down the back of my neck and kiss sweet whispers of “What the hell have you done?” into my ears, I’ve never felt less sure of my decision to leap.

Fortunas Audentes Juvat. Fortune favors the bold, or so it’s said. And I’m no stranger to bold decisions. Quitting an ‘important’ job with healthcare at a time I was fairly immune suppressed and on two grand a month in meds, to travel through India, Nepal, Tibet and South East Asia for over a year. Continuing to travel when I developed malaria and pneumonia on the eve Millennium. Night buses in India. A street corner fly encrusted turd samosa. Traveling to Africa with an aggressive case of MRSA to climb Kilimanjaro and sit with some gorillas.

Any of these choices might have seemed like carelessness, pushing the envelope to the point of bursting, or, some have even thought, a bit suicidal in mindset. Poppycock, I say! (We all say poppycock far too infrequently.)

I trusted in my inner barometer, trusted in The Path, and in the universe’s unconditional ability to wrap me up in protective ball of loving care.

I continue to test my decisions and hold up the measuring rod of, “Which decision scares the bejeebers out of me? Do it!”

I love Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” I like to add, “and that which doesn’t kill you gives you a better sense of humor and a broadened sense of compassion.”

I think at the end of the day, we all sit in on a Defending Your Life People’s Court, judged by how we lived our lives, made our decisions. Was fear the primary decision factor in how we lived? Did we make informed, bold, fearless choices?

So here I sit in rural, antique, Lyme’s Disease speckled Connecticut, and Lindsey Buckingham “Never going back again” is running like some endless loop through my noggin.

I’ve never felt less sure of my choices. But I will trust that The Path will materialize in the abyss to lead me on to my next adventure. Or at least will be a diverting adventure on my date with fate.

I’d like to posit this to you—how have you found reassurance in complete groundlessness? In situations where your Road Less Traveled is a screeching descent into a Where The Hell Am I?

In Life As Alchemy, we are charged with taking the Lead in our lives and transmuting it to Gold. I’ve had a much easier time in the past seeing a course of action.

Hey, I know it’s early—only been here a week, but it’s a downpoury Connecticut day and right about now, I’m really noticing the complete directionlessness of a groundless situation. Where I’d normally see limitless opportunity, I just see animated neon question marks. (Perhaps I should lay off the Psilicybin Crispies for breakfast…)

I look forward to seeing it unfold.

Plummettingly Yours,
Namaste.
Craig
Hermes Alchemist

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

arrived in CT at 2pm. No more driving, at least for a while. It was
great. Fugee was a great traveling companion, and as many of you
noted, quite a photographer.

What a beautiful country we live in--and so sparsely populated!

An email recap tomorrow, then I will leave you alone--no more
extraneous, crap-filled emails.

Well, at least until the next extraneous, crap-filled one.

You, my friends and family, rock. You matter to me.

Namaste/love
Craig
__________________________________________
craig hermes
http://www.hermesbrainbelch.blogspot.com
"As above, so below; as below, so above." - Hermes Trismegistus

Cleveland Rocks!

...as you can see from this picture of me driving at 85 miles an hour...

Energy drinks hold now power for me any more....

NEVER drink VonDutch carb free Energy drink-- tastes like a cross
between pineapple and carbonated rank armpit...

Don't you wish you could enjoy a pound of cheese curds like Fugee and
me? Had to eat a half a watermelon just to keep the T-time (remember
biology?) normal...

That's the brief check in fro Ohio-- off to PA...

so close.


so, so far....



craigggggggg
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
__________________________________________
craig hermes
http://www.hermesbrainbelch.blogspot.com
"As above, so below; as below, so above." - Hermes Trismegistus

Badlands = Good.

Badlands. So beautiful. I felt a bit strange driving a box truck
through a national park, but, hey, everyone should bring all their
furniture and underpants to see beautiful things.

Eating a 5,000 calorie breakfast, using internet, visiting Sioux Falls
park then off to Omaha or Davenport... and thinking of you.

Peace
Craig
__________________________________________
craig hermes
http://www.hermesbrainbelch.blogspot.com
"As above, so below; as below, so above." - Hermes Trismegistus

America. Fat & Beautiful.

Day Six, Keystone, South Dakota and for some God-Forsaken
Reason, 5:30 AM.

"Wake up, child! Pay attention..." ~Kate Bush, Waking the Witch

I guess I'm an early riser. Unthinkable. To wake up, bright, alert,
chuckling and as my LifeCycle cohorts can attest, unnaturally cheery
at 5 AM (or earlier!) is a gift I have often forgot that I possess.

At the more bogged down points in my life, I often haven't wanted to
wake up at all, locked in that dance of hitting the snooze bar, sighing
deeply, squeezing my eyes tightly shut, and trying SO HARD to reclaim
JUST EIGHT MORE MINUTES of dreamy bliss, eight more minutes free
from the responsibilities of getting out of bed and creating my destiny.

So why not get up and get to it? You can't post-pone the Now, as
Eckhart Tolle would say, as it's all we ever truly have, the moment
where greatness, potential and enlightenment/awakeness intersect
and occur; those things never occur in the past or in the future, but
always in the Now. Now is now, not eight fretful, sleep-grasping
minutes from now. Be here, be now, be alert, that is our challenge.

I've come to find the days where I hit the snooze bar are the days I
am going to be the least productive or joyful. Screw the snooze bar,
plant the feet on the floor, smile and rub the eye snot from your
eyes—there's haddock oatmeal to be eaten! (A veiled LifeCycle
reference, which will only make sense to only one person reading this.
I LOVES me some Cryptic...For you, dearest Smookazoo.)

So I decided to grasp the Now by the horns and write an update from
the road. Here we go.

As my time in San Francisco steamrollered to an end, I found an
increasing sense of questioning occurring surrounding my choice to
dramatically alter my lifepath and leave a spot that I had called home
for almost twenty years.

Had I made the right choice? Should I have stuck it out just a little
longer? What was I moving to? The only thing I could be certain of
was the completely uncertain outcome of my actions. And that can be
said for each of us at any given moment in our lives.

As this sense of dread that I'd made some horrible choice of folly
based on the clouded thinking of the heart grew, I found myself feeling
more stressed, less sure, shorter tempered and confused.

At this point, my beautiful friends stepped in and mirrored back that
annoying positivity that I so usually possess. "It'll be fine! You'll be
fine! You always are!" Sure, I was grateful for their faith, but also true
was a certain desire to sock them in the gut.

Again, if we are to embrace the Now and forget past or unmanifested
future, how does one know that "fine" is the adjective the Big Guy
selected for you that day?

Sometimes things go horribly amiss. Loss, illness, disappointment,
sorrow, are these "fine"? Absolutely. They are merely the Messengers
for the Message. As Pema Chodron would say, it's the quality of using
poison as medicine. Or to quote Tolle again, mirroring a view I have
long held, it is the alchemy of transmuting pain into awakeness or
enlightenment.

So, no job, no money, no leads, very short access to insurance, the
desire not to be a burden to family, the moving away from one's usual
circle of support, it all compresses into a hefty sword of Damocles
directly centered over my unusually large Charlie Brown shaped head.

I have to say, one of the best laughs I've had recently was in response
to my friend Jennifer's reaction to my choice to move. Paraphrasing
here, "Move to New York! It will be wonderful, full of opportunity and
love—or, it could be a Soul-crushing descent into despair, but hey, at
least it's a change!"

Death is necessary for rebirth. Letting go for truly grasping. I need to
remember the humor in the choice and in life, quite often. Life says,
"Lighten up! I'll happen, despite your best laid plans!"

"That concludes or reading from the Occluded Book of Craig. Let us
pray..."

So back to the travelogue.

I spent three days in Reno, NV at my pal David's. I had only intended
to be there a night, but I hadn't seen David in almost a year and
wasn't sure when the next time would be. What's the hurry? To rush
to Connecticut so I can unload a truck solo and sit in an empty house?
My impeccable timing has targeted a Connecticut arrival when Scott &
Jane are in San Diego. So, as long as I am keeping expense conscious,
what's the hurry?

This new credo firmly in mind, I decided to take a day or two detour to
visit the only three states I haven't been to. I am now at Mount
Rushmore after a full two days of driving through Wyoming, beautiful
Wyoming. The Sioux chose well. In looking around, I was struck by
the similarities to Africa—the kopjes and ungulates –okay—too high
fallutin'—the rocks and antelope. Kind of like the Serengeti except we
killed all our animals.

I just looked at the clock and realize I need to cut this short—I have a
700-mile drive today.

Impressions and fragments instead of narrative.

Reno. A Less Horrible Las Vegas. Now THERE'S a slogan! I'll give you
that one, Reno Chamber of Commerce. It's actually pretty in spots and
isn't as infernally hot. I'd go back. Not so, Vegas, a city which made
my lips chap in just 15 minutes waiting outside Caesar's Palace for
Vanessa Williams. From the television, My good friend, Vanessa
Williams... (a nod to my newest love, Little Britian...)

Salt Lake/salt flats. Eerie, beautiful. Sold out, retail convention. Didn't
stop, on to Wyoming.

Laramie, Wyoming. Butch Cassidy & Sundance Kid. Matthew
Sheppard. Applebee's with Internet.

Casper, Wyoming. No hotels and the Sturgis motorcycle rally
everywhere I go. Crappy food which makes Denny's seem gourmet.

Devil's Tower. Close Encounters, America's first national park
celebrating its centennial.

South Dakota. Saw antelope, deer, pronghorn, elk, even two wolves!
Amazing how much one looked like Nomad. Wish I could have focused
my camera faster...

Keystone, SD. Rushmore-beautiful. Big, fat Americans dressed in red
white & blue, eating big, fat, red white & blue ice cream cones. All that
was missing were bald eagles wearing tri corner hats, playing fifes.

Crazy Horse Mountain—very cool. Sioux nation—amazing. Bear
Country (fun watching Fugee looking at a bear, trembling—was he
scared, did he want to hump it or play with it?).

Today, off to Badlands, a very good park, not Badlands, a very bad
San Francisco bar. Then the western equivalent to Pedro's South of
the Border. Wall's Drug store. Free ice and signs for 500 miles.
Mmmmmm. Kitchy kitchy koo.

Aiming for Omaha or Lincoln tonight, then either Davenport of Chicago
tomorrow. A nice traipse through the tornado belt.

As I bring this overlong email to its end, I head to the only wireless
connection in Keystone. Strange that while traveling in remote Nepal,
Laos, India, Uganda and Tibet, internet access was far more accessible
and cheaper. Thank you, free enterprise. God bless America and pass
me some fiber free, lard soaked pie. Amen.

Oh, here's a travel tip. Feeling anxious in the west? Dress like you're
from Connecticut and travel with a Weimaraner. You're everyone's
best new friend.

Well, my friends and family, be well, be here, be Now.

Until the next.

Namaste/love
Craig
__________________________________________
craig hermes
http://www.hermesbrainbelch.blogspot.com
"As above, so below; as below, so above." - Hermes Trismegistus

Howdy, pahdah, From Laramie, Wyoming

Just a quick hello taking advantage of free internet at Applebee's. Trip's going well--I'm taking a detour to visit the only three states I haven't hit yet: Nebraska, Iowa and South Dakota.

Fugee is a good traveler, though we often disagree on heat level and music as evidenced here by his changing the thermostat..

difficult hound.

peace.
Craig