Apocalypso!

Ice and hail in San Francisco? What next, locusts and pestilence?
Hail, yes!

Wow! A Spring in The Spring!

Had the most profound experience walking fugee today. It was crystal clear sunshine and COLD cold COLD out. As I was walking up Page, I felt an unusual buoyancy, a lightness and a sloppy grin spreading across my face.

Yes. It was there. I had a spring in my step.

Might not sound too astounding, but I was delighted and a bit flabbergasted. I've had a tough readjustment to SF--unexpected debt, three dear friends all dealing with familial catastrophic illness, and a lot of concern over Fugee's health post-dog bite and pancreatitis attack.

I like to call these periods of my less-than-ebullient side the dance of the dark twin. Being Gemini, I'm used to the highs and lows of a somewhat bipolar existence. But I got into a dark twin phase and got stuck.

Oh, I've had bouts with depression before, and they were never, "Oh, alas, alack! Poor me, boo hoo hoo!" They were more like, "Hmmm. A 27- hour nap sounds DELIGHTFUL!" When I don't have at my fingertips the usual ability to inspire or be grateful I hibernate. Life's too short to fake it.

So imagine my surprise at a return to the Craig you and I normally know. What spurred this? I decided to rekindle my passion and do another year of AIDS/LifeCycle.

CAR and ALC have been stalwart friends to me for over 12 years. They brought me through illness, hopelessnes, showed me how to challenge my assumptions of what is possible in my life. They help me to remember the interconnectedness of all, the choice of action over apathy, the power of will and love of community.

I get to bask in seven fantastic days of the world as it should be, and get to raise vital funds and lose ugly bellyfat in the process. SO, what's not to spring about?

Don't worry, I am no more (or less) crazy than I always am! Blame it on the Spring, the rain, my wild heart--I don't care. It's good to go a little crazy every so often. Prince wouldn't lie, uh uh.

Springing through my spring, I'm back.

"A little Madness in the Spring Is wholesome even for the King - Emily Dickenson

"Franciscooooooooo. That's fun to say..." ~Buddy the Elf.

Hello My Family and Friends from San Francisco!

Am I the non-cartoon version of 'Where's Waldo?' or what? I'm settling back into a life, striving to reduce and simplify, and in all likelihood, amassing and complicating as I go...we do our best, huh? Was laughing with my great friend Sabrina about the noble and freakishly unattainable goal of making life simpler. It came down to, 'I only want a few things, but nice, newest versions of things..." I hate the things I love and love the things I hate. Well, that's enough mental wordsmith push-ups for early morning.

I made the decision two days ago to participate in in AIDS/LifeCycle 6 this June 3 - 9, a 575-mile bike ride in support of the services and clients of the San Francisco AIDS Foundation.

I hope that last sentence wasn't the DELETE NOW prompt that I imagine it might be. "Uh oh, he's fundraising AGAIN, ABORT ABORT!!!!"

Wow, you're still here! Thank you for at least humoring me for another paragraph or three.

I signed up on the ride last year, but kind of assumed that with the transition and extreme debt mountain I've amassed, it wouldn't even be within the realm of the possible. (Don't worry, I PROMISE I won't say 'I'mpossible.' with requisite branding and copyright.) But I put the idea out there, and people cleared the path for me and showed me that anything you can imagine, can occur. Power of the will, the kindness of friends. It's a great thing.

This paragraph is where I should say poignant things and make you feel the need for the event. But, with this being my 12th year of participation, I've kind of said it all before. What can I say except that it's still so vitally necessary, that people need to ride bikes extraordinary distances just to keep friends and family alive. Kind people. Many of these people not normally active. It's not easy, it is commitment, drive, compassion. Your family, friends, neighbors--all connected, we are all our brother's keepers. I decided to challenge myself in a new way this year, by becoming a recurring donor at Keep a Child Alive. For $30 bucks a month, the price of just one of my 60 antiviral pills I take in a month, I am providing a month's supply of antivirals for someone in Africa. I can't give up two weeks of Biggie Diet Cokes so that a child can live? Of course I can! The extraordinary, prohibitive costs of health insurance and antiviral regimens here in the US makes this journey necessary.

So, logistics. I'd love to have your support. I wouldn't ask if it weren't necessary. I hate asking for money (did I hear eyes rolling?) but for this I get over the discomfort so that I provide you the opportunity to to be involved, without saddle sores, hemmorhoids or spider veins. Maybe just a little carpal tunnel from writing a check or, even easier, donating online! I can't guarantee you won't get grin cramps, of course.

Click here to donate securely online: https://www.aidslifecycle.org/donate/form.cfm?n=4147

Please consider joining my effort. Thanks for your time and continued presence in my life.

Namaste/Peace/Love
Craig
Rider #4147, SFAF Client, HIV+ over 12 years, Pain in the Ass far longer

Sunshine, The All Smiles.

I know I've been a bit hermetic of late, even for a hermit named Hermes. (Why is "Mrs. Brown You Got a Lovely Daughter" echoing through my brain?).

You see, when I'm in my less exhuberant of moods, I just pipe down. No drama, just a little restorative self-exile.

I took Fugee for a walk yesterday and it was one of the liquid golden sunshine days that just let's you know there has to be a deeper meaning to the chaos and clutter. It was a great walk--and Fugee is feeling much better.

Here are some pics- enjoy the butterscotch sundrenched Bay.

Egg on Your Beautiful Face.

Had to chuckle when I saw this GROOVY Christmas ornament I made back around 1968 or so. Nothing speaks to the psychedlic '60s like hot pink fringe, huh?

Just watched Celestine Prophecy based on Jack Redfield's New Age best seller. Really liked the insights. Here's number eight.

"THE EIGHTH INSIGHT . . . THE INTERPERSONAL ETHIC
We can increase the frequency of guiding coincidences by uplifting every person that comes into our lives. Care must be taken not to lose our inner connection in romantic relationships. Uplifting others is especially effective in groups where each member can feel energy of all the others. With children it is extremely important for their early security and growth. By seeing the beauty in every face, we lift others into their wisest self, and increase the chances of hearing a synchronistic message."

Come in synchronous messages! I'm ready... Come to think of it I did hear the Police tonight. Synchronicty?

So, What's It Like?

I have been remiss in sharing my new life. Tsk tsk! Just a quick update to give you the opportunity to look into my world here in SF. Ellen from the Metro really outdid herself making my living space welcoming and well, homey!

Here are some pics at Flickr to take a gander. I like small quarters! Less room to mess up.

Will write something more inspiring later, but here's some visual stimulation for now.

(I think this link will work for you...)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/hermesalchemist/sets/72157594531208125/

Chat atcha soon.

xoxo
craig n fu

Dog Days of February aka Here Comes The Rain Again...

So, it's been interesting! Had quite a few friends wonder "Where the hell's Craig?". Been here, trying to fit my round life into a square hole, finding the humor, feeling the sadness, railing at the frustrations, and just shaking my head at it all. I'm tough, as you know, and have that ultra-annoying quality of appearing grateful for the lumps and the loves, seeing the lesson in the situation. But even I have my limits.

Fessing up, yeah, I know I can appear frightfully New Age, all crystals and idols and smiles and light. But there are times when I hear people say, "Blessings... I'm so grateful..." and I wanna sock them in the ultraviolet chakra. Sometimes things suck, there doesn't appear to be a reason for an illness, a hardship. It just happens. The universe is a series of random occurences from which we try to glean meaning in order to understand our lives. Isn't it possible that some, if not many, things simply defy explanation?

I was talking with a family member who said that they were being "comforted" by another relative around the early and tragic death of my mom. There was the implication that there must have been some action on my mom's part to cause her illness. Whathefuck? Is that serious? She was human, yes, but you would be hard pressed to find a more engaged, compassionate, giving, loving, selfless person. What twisting of God's word or the universe's plan would drive someone to come to this conclusion? Then I realize it's just this same attempt to find meaning in seemingly random tragedy.

So, I'm confused. Sometimes I see the pattern, other times I feel lost in the bumper car collisions of the spontaneousness of life.

Okay, that's deep enough for today. Just enough to worry those worried about me. Don't worry about me. I'm tough. I just question. Call it my existential tango.

So what's new... Fugee just came home from thje SPCA after a two day hospital stay. He had an attack of pancreatitis which caused 12 hours of explosive vomiting. Seems the pancreas releases too much amylase and lipase and the pancreas starts to digest itself. Horribly painful. Talk about feeling helpless. Fugee is such a sweet dog--to see him in pain just breaks my heart.

His situation seems to have stabilized, so here he is at home spending some bed time with Craig. My free dog has been really expensive this year--his $500 dollar eye surgery followed by $1,000 dog bite at Duboce fiasco, followed by the $1,500 pancreatitis debacle. I'll just throw it on the debt pile and hope that at some point, I might actually be able to make some headway on my debt.

Shaking my head, I still have some annoying positivity which lets me know this too will be okay.

I am actually okay. I just voice what I am feeling at any given moment--an uncomfortable reality for many. I'm just working through this dream trying to grasp meaning where I can and understand those random moments which seem to defy meaning.

On a side note, I'm really saddened by Anna Nicole Smith's passing. It has always struck me as odd at how hilarious people found her train wreck of a life. She was obviously a woman in a great deal of pain. Why is pain funny? If she'd had cancer, would we be elbowing one another in the ribs and saying, "Hilariosa!" Her drug problem was a terminal condition. She deserves some compassion, not ridicule.

Stepping off my soapbox, settling back to a night of TV, Chimay beer and my great friend, Fugee.

Peace-
Craig.